A Broken Heart
by KBeternallove
Summary: Kirk finds a letter written by Spock before he died. I stole the beginning of this story from another one of my stories because I wanted a different ending.


The Words He Never Got to Say

He could not believe that his Second Officer was dead. The funeral was in a few hours, and then Spock's body would be shot out into outer space. Admiral Kirk was hoping Spock's room would bring him closure, but he found a letter lying on Spock's bed. The letter was addressed to Jim.

Jim's hands were shaking and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. The letter said:

Dearest Admiral James T. Kirk,

If you are reading this, I perished in the battle against Khan. I had an instinct something was going to happen. We have already escaped death many times, and I knew this time would be different. I have some things I never told you that you must know.

Jim, you are the best captain Starfleet could ever ask for. You are brave, smart, and could always find a way out of any situation. You risked your life for your crew and sacrificed much because you knew it to be the right thing to do. Even when you recklessly got us into danger or disobeyed orders, things just came out right. I have come to lookup to you as my superior officer. Your place is not behind a desk on Earth; you are meant to be a captain of a Starship.

You are a heedless, illogical, emotional human being, but that is what has made you an amazing friend. You always know what to say, Jim. You would give up everything for the wellbeing of one person. I used to be ashamed to call you my friend, but now I know otherwise.

Most importantly, I wish I had the chance to not only express my feelings of friendship to you, but also my love for you. I fell in love with you during the first year of our five year mission. I knew I loved you precisely on Stardate 1704.2; when infected by the disease, I said I was ashamed of the friendship I felt for you, but I meant that I was ashamed that I loved you.

My feeling grew stronger. In fear of my emotions, I traveled to Vulcan for Kolinahr. That would have been the worst mistake of my life. V'ger deepened my love by showing me how miserable my life would be without the secret love I had for you.

I love you so much that I hid it from you. I was afraid of being rejected; I have always known how important your career has been to you. I knew you could never feel the same way, and I did not want to ruin our closeness by telling you. I often think about what we could have been. I should have told you, but now you will never know while I am alive.

I have three requests for you. Number one, please tell Ambassador Sarek that I should not have been so stubborn and I am regretful that he has to part with another son. Please tell Amanda that I love her and I am remorseful that I denied my human side all these years. Finally, please do not mourn my death; I would die a thousand deaths if I knew you would breathe one more breath then me. I wish this would not have waited until my death to be known In Vulcan, the word T'hy'la means "brother, friend, and lover."

Your T'hy'la

Spock

Kirk could not believe what he was reading. Spock had feelings for him? James had had feelings for Spock for a very long time. James had slowly started falling for Spock ever since he took command of the ship. He tried to hide it and deny it, but he could never stop loving Spock.

The tears now began to fall in earnest; the rare paper in his hands was now splattered with his tears. How could they both be so ignorant of the other one's feelings? _How could I have been so stupid? He loved me and I loved him. Now it is too late. _

James was immobilized with grief; grief from what happened and grief of what could have been. Their chance was gone. How could they both overlook the other person's advances; it was so obvious looking back.

Kirk spent hours sitting in Spock's room, but soon time for the funeral came. The time flew by and Jim could only remember chunks of it. Admiral Kirk could remember bagpipes and he could recall saying, "Of my friend, I can only say this...of all the souls I have encountered in my travels; his was the most…human."

It did not feel like it was adequate. I could not find the words to describe how I really felt about him. How could I some up in meager words how Spock influenced me and made my life better? I could not find a way to tell the others of the numerous times we faced near death experiences and how perfectly we complimented each other.

As I walk towards my room after the funeral, Dr. McCoy stops me before I can get into my cabin.

Bones grabs my arm and whispers to me, "Jim...don't do anything stupid or rash. I know that look in your eyes; I've seen it every time you're about to do something that I am going to regret."

"Don't worry, Bones. People are born then they die, it is natural. I have seen so many people die under my command that death seems like my shadow. I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a little bit," I say as I shake off McCoy's hand and enter my cabin.

I sit on the corner of my bed and finally let loose the sob that has been threatening to make itself known. I do not try to fight it. Hot tears streak down my cheeks as I realize the depth of my solitude. I have never felt more alone in my entire existence. The other person that was my missing puzzle piece has been lost and I will never find anyone that perfect for me again.

I pull the letter out of my uniform pocket and examine it. I can see all of the times when I could have told Spock how I felt about him. I remember when we had to dance together and the time when I tried to get Spock to give me a back message. I remember the jealously I felt for T'Pring for being betrothed to Spock then thought how stupid she was for casting him off for a lesser mate.

How could I have been so blind all of those years? Spock trusted me more than he trusted any other being in the galaxy. Spock risked death on multiple occasions solely for my safety. Spock was at total ease around me. We spent more time around each other than was necessary; we spent more time together than most friends do. I deserve the pain that I now have to endure because of my stupidity. I just wish that I could have told Spock how I feel about him.

The wound this pain has left is deep and raw. The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

I walk to my room in a trance. I have accepted what is to come. The door glides open before me and I see without really seeing. This wasn't how things were supposed to be.

I walk to my bedside drawer and grab the pills I found on Bones' desk the day Spock died. With all of the things going on, he didn't even realize they were missing. I guess I knew I was going to do this even then; I could never live without Spock. I toss back a handful of pills.

It takes several minutes for the pills to being to take effect. I can feel myself losing consciousness ever so slowly. The pain is ebbing with my life. My last thought is of my beloved Spock.

McCoy POV

I know before I entire Jim's room what I am going to find. I use my CMO override to enter his room. Jim is curled up on his bed with a piece of paper; I don't need to read it to know who it is from.

"If only you two hadn't been so ignorant, you both might be here. Everyone besides you knew. If this isn't a tragedy, I don't know what is."

I feel my nurse walk up beside me. She gasps and says as she takes in the scene, "What happened? What killed him, Doctor?"

"He died of something people have been trying to cure for thousands of years, but no one has ever succeeded in curing. No one could help him; he died of a broken heart.


End file.
